


A Clean Cut

by Ellie_ofthe_DAles



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: But really minor self-harm warning, Cameos, Canon Related, Canon-Typical Violence, Dorian BFF, Dragon Age: Inquisition - Trespasser DLC, F/M, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inquisitor & Dorian Pavus Friendship, Jealous Cullen, Like Inquisitor Anchor stuff, Love Triangles, Marriage Proposal, Minor Anders/Male Hawke (Dragon Age), Minor The Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus, Misunderstandings, Near Death, Past Lavellan/Solas (Dragon Age), Plot Twists, Sad with a Happy Ending, Trespasser Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:01:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21677920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellie_ofthe_DAles/pseuds/Ellie_ofthe_DAles
Summary: I came up with this idea a few months back and have been obsessed with writing it! Therefore please please please don't copy this idea (you'll see what I mean) without asking me first. Put simply: what if there was another dialogue option to Cullen Rutherford's marriage proposal in DA:I Trespasser? ;)
Relationships: Female Inquisitor/Cullen Rutherford, Female Lavellan/Cullen Rutherford, Inquisitor/Cullen Rutherford, Lavellan/Cullen Rutherford
Kudos: 8





	A Clean Cut

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this idea a few months back and have been obsessed with writing it! Therefore please please please don't copy this idea (you'll see what I mean) without asking me first. Put simply: what if there was another dialogue option to Cullen Rutherford's marriage proposal in DA:I Trespasser? ;)

_You have to do this now,_ Ashira Lavellan told herself. _Be cruel to be kind. Tell him now or you never will._

“You there! You’re to dodge, not catch!” She heard Cullen yell. “If that ball were a fireball you’d be dead.”

The Inquisitor stepped out into the Winter Palace courtyard to see the love of her life playing with a giant dog, and her resolve weakened. The mischievous glint of gold in his eyes, his comical frown as he tried to command a stray mabari like a soldier, his golden hair glistening in the sunlight. _If this man were your enemy you’d be dead,_ Ashira giggled to herself, recalling the first time she walked in on the Commander training Inquisition forces. She loved Cullen Rutherford with all her heart. _And that’s exactly why…_

Cullen ardently beheld Ashira as she approached. “You… found a dog,” she hesitated.

“They don’t breed Mabari in Orlais. The merchant said he was abandoned—perhaps his owners tired of the novelty.”

Ashira studied the mangy wardog with his tongue lolling out, eyes half-bulging out of his head. “Aww, tire of you? But you’re such a good boy! With that positive attitude and fetching ability?” The mabari barked in agreement.

Cullen grimaced, grumbling, “He’s not supposed to fetch it…” 

“I don’t think you understand how this works,” Ashira teased.

“Another Fereldan trapped at the Winter Palace… Well I couldn’t leave him to that fate. Besides,” he chuckled, “I think he likes me.”

“I never expected _you_ to make friends at a political council. How times have changed!”

“Hahaha so they have.”

As Cullen laughed, Ashira’s heart pined after the sweet sound. _Remember why you’re here woman_! _Focus_! A shadow fell over her face, and she noticed Cullen turn pensive as well. _Now, before it’s too late!_ “Cullen I—”

“Please, my love. I need to say this first.” Ashira bit her tongue as he carefully articulated, “The Inquisition will change after this. We’re not yet sure how. Still, I’ve found certainty in my life now; the Council won’t change that.” 

_Oh no…_ Cullen straightened up.

His hazel eyes shifted before meekly settling on Ashira’s. “Marry me.”

The dog woofed.

“What?”

“I mean, will you… eh…” Cullen scratched his neck timidly as the Inquisitor’s elven eyes grew larger still. He sighed, “I had a plan and… and there wasn’t a dog! But you were, heh… it doesn’t matter.” Ashira stepped closer, drawn in by his soft voice and bashful smile. “I’ve thought of little else, and I don’t need a plan. Only to know if you would…”

“I…” _Do what you have to do. A clean cut._ “ I—I can’t.”

 _WOOF_!

“What?”

Ashira’s eyes brimmed with tears. _Don’t falter,_ she told herself. _You must be strong. Firm, but not too harsh._

“This is what I need to say. I have cherished every moment we spent together. I care deeply for you,” she choked. The commander looked bewildered. “But this can’t go on any longer. Us, I mean. It wasn’t meant to last. I’m sorry,” she rushed through. _Good,_ she thought, _I didn’t lie._

“I don’t understand…” Ashira watched Cullen’s heart break, and she felt like dying then and there. She turned to leave, to escape to some quiet corner of the palace and break down, when he grabbed her left hand.

“Don’t,” she whispered, head down so he wouldn’t see the tears threatening to overflow. She felt her lips quiver.

“Why… WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS?!” The mabari cowered at Cullen’s violent desperation.

Ashira squeezed her eyes shut, more from the pain in her heart than in her constricted hand. “Cullen please…”

He lifted her chin up to face him. “Ashira, I love you.”

 _Creators he sounds so determined._ “I—”

At that moment, the Mark on Inquisitor Lavellan’s hand, the hand Cullen now held, burst with spirit energy and blasted the two apart. Cullen stumbled but caught his balance only a couple feet back, while Ashira’s lithe frame flew to the edge of the courtyard. Cullen watched as the force slammed her to the cobblestones.

“Ashira!”

She scrambled to her feet, shook her head, and ran inside the palace. Tears streamed down her face as she raced up the staircases. _If there is a Maker, I don’t know if He would ever forgive me for hurting you._

The Inquisitor tore through the Winter Palace, passing countless faces of servants and nobles, but she didn’t care. After all, she had little regard for the Exalted Council and their opinions. They had already made up their minds about the fate of the Inquisition, and in this moment its future felt negligible to her. She didn’t know where she was going, only that she hoped to outrun her problems. _Maybe if I run forever…_ For as soon as she stopped, she knew she would have to face it all. The Council, splitting up the gang, Dorian’s impending departure, Cullen…

 _Oh vhenan…_ She thought wistfully as her arm crackled green as the Breach. _If only you knew I was doing this for your sake._

* * *

Stunned, Cullen Rutherford stood statuesque in the courtyard long after Lavellan faded from view. Petrified with arm outstretched, his mind whirred around what just occurred. Did he… Did he propose? Now, in the Winter Palace of all places?! Maker… More shocking still, did she just reject _and_ break up with him in one fell swoop?

He wasn’t sure how to feel. A waterfall of emotions cascaded down on him. He was furious, bitter, horrified, forlorn, devastated… but above all, he was just dumbfounded.

 _Where did that come from?_ Cullen pondered. _My proposal somewhat made sense, I’ve been preparing for months. But this?!_ He wondered what could have caused such a sharp change in attitude from Ashira. She had always seemed committed to spending their lives together. _She even said, “I love you” first._ He thought nostalgically of their first night together.

He waxed poetically about their future then as well. When he asked her if she felt the same, Ashira had said, “Cullen, do you really need to ask?” Was that just her way of omitting the truth? Cullen clenched and lowered his fist, his first movement in several minutes. _And was her love just another lie?_

“The Inquisitor doesn’t lie.”

Cullen jumped. “Maker’s Breath!” A boy with shaggy blond hair sat lounging on a low garden wall only feet away. He stared deeply at the commander from under his wide-brimmed hat. _The Inquisitor may call him a friend, but I will never get used to his sudden appearances,_ Cullen brooded.

As if reading his mind, Cole replied “I’ve been here this whole time! I _am_ human now. I can’t control if people see me. Your eyes passed over. Playful dog. Love. Pain. So I watched. I can hear it when it’s loud.”

 _Nor will I understand how he talks._ Cullen pinched his temple. “What do you want, Cole?”

“To help. You and her.” He scratched the mabari, who panted and wagged his entire body. “I see why. But she’s wrong.”

Cullen sighed. He really did not have the patience to suffer through cryptic messages. His head was already starting to ache. “If you want to help, you’re going to need to speak clearly… and quickly.”

“Both? Hm…” Cole rubbed the peach fuzz on his chin for a moment. “Her hand hurts…” Cullen nodded. He knew that. Ashira’s Mark (what they had learned from Corypheus to call the Anchor) had pained her from the beginning and more so lately. 

At first, he would awaken to her flinching beside him. Then violently clenching her teeth. Then whimpering in stifled agony as the Anchor illuminated their bedroom with an eerie green glow. Sometimes Cullen thought he could almost feel the Fade in waves pulsing around them. Ashira would always smile weakly and tell him she was fine. “Go back to sleep, ma vhenan. I didn’t mean to worry you,” moving to get up and hide her suffering in another room.

He’d envelop his sturdy arms around her and cradle his love close. “You can let me worry about you a little,” he would murmur, repeating what she had once told him. She’d sigh, melt into his chest, and eventually fall sound asleep.

Cullen had tried to use his templar abilities to suppress the Mark’s magic, but he knew it was hopeless. It was an unusual force, from the Fade directly, and any power he could have had over it was gone without lyrium. Desperate to help, he was tempted to take lyrium again, despite overcoming so much to be free of his addiction… But Ashira had assured him other templars had no effect on the Anchor either. He knew she mainly wanted to protect him from that danger, the suffering the lyrium leash had put him through, at all costs. So the couple had soldiered on, powerless to the Anchor’s exacerbation up the Inquisitor’s arm.

Whenever Ashira was traveling across Thedas with her companions, Cullen struggled to focus on command of her forces. He would pace his office, anxiously checking the horizon for her return. She walked into danger constantly as she closed rift after rift and led an international army against countless enemies. As much as Cullen feared for the Inquisitor’s life, she awed him time and time again with her strength, courage, and indefatigable generosity. That such a phenomenal woman had fallen in love with him felt impossible to this day. 

Still, he knew the real Ashira Lavellan, a side few saw. Before the world, she presented herself as unbreakable, unwavering. Alone with Cullen, she was fragile and uncertain of her decisions as Inquisitor. The burden of responsibility weighed on her heavily, and he knew she weakened under it. When duty took her far from Skyhold, Cullen would worry if she was coping. Who comforted her at camp when the pain woke her? Who protected her so she’d always make it home alive?

It started drizzling in the courtyard. _Maybe Solas did until he left,_ Cullen thought moodily. _Surely Ser Fadewalker, Master Rift Mage, who helped Ashira use that blasted Mark in the first place, then broke her heart and deserted, surely he knew exactly what to do to make her feel better. Or Dorian…_ He shuddered as his jealous mind wandered to the two men massaging Ashira sensually--

“Well, you _were_ on the right track until _that_.” Cole pulled Cullen back to reality.

“Hm what? Well she doesn’t love me. It was all a lie.” Cullen’s eyes stung as he snarled, “Who’s to say she didn’t lie when she said that it was over with Solas? Or that Dorian was just a friend?”

“The Inquisitor doesn’t lie,” Cole repeated, “not about important things.”

“BULLSHIT!” Cullen turned to leave. The dog followed, tail between his legs.

“She loves you. She still does.”

Cullen paused. Still turned, he growled, “How could she, when she’s hurt me like this?” His voice broke at the end. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “How could… why w-w-would sh-she…”

Cole put his hand on his shoulder. “ _Because_ she loves you,” he said simply. 

A single tear welled over as Cullen despairingly regarded Cole. “But why--"

“To save you from yourself. Suffering, vicious grief, misery to madness. Would lose himself in lyrium when he loses me. Broken like Samson. Maybe this will heal faster.” 

Cullen sniffled but kept listening. Cole continued, “In her hand, throbbing anguish. A pulse not her own. One pounds harder while the other fades. The Fade blends with flesh. Drumming _dun dun dun_ to the din’an.” Thunder rumbled from the rolling hills of the Dales.

Cullen’s breath hitched. He didn’t understand all of that but…

“So sorry, sorry. Pain in heart and body. Vhenan. Golden curls, scars, blushing beauty. _‘Maker, no.’_ No future together. _‘You will come back.’ ‘What if I can’t? Cullen if I don’t—’_ No what-ifs this time. But you, you will live. Whatever it takes. So I cut the thread that binds us, as my own thread is cut. Falon’Din take me.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it, and I'll be working on finishing the other chapters as soon as I can, maybe even writing chapters to precede this to better explain my PC and her choices.  
> It's not super-clear from this chapter, but Ashira did have a relationship with Solas, and after their break-up she completely moved on to be with Cullen. In this story, I like to think of Solas as the bad-boy (even abusive or toxic) type, and Cullen as the sweet, gentle man she was always meant to be with. Ashira, despite being 28 at the time of the Conclave and being somewhat experienced in life, did not fully romantically mature until learning from her mistakes with Solas. So her relationship with Solas was almost an angsty infatuation, while her relationship with Cullen is mature, healthy, and, of course, head-over-heels love. She IS completely over Solas, and they became friends again, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't like to wring his neck sometimes.  
> If you dislike any of those interpretations, I will probably have other fanfics (with different PCs) as they arise in my head (Solasmance, Alistair, Anders, Krem, Leliana, smut, who knows right?)


End file.
